LIFE IN DEATH
What is grief? How does one handle grief? These are two questions I have had to rapidly dig into these past couple of weeks. Sure, I have grieved things in my life, but nothing that comes close to losing my Granny. I would like to dedicate this blog to her…Charlene Reagan Bielik.
My granny was a fire cracker. She had the best sense of humor and always knew how to bring joy to those around her. She had a quiet but strong faith and prayed daily for those she knew and loved. I knew and could see this in the characteristics of Christ that she exuded daily. She was strong, dedicated, loving, honest and humble.
I had the great privilege and honor of being her granddaughter. I always remember people telling me how much she loved me. I would always laugh when I opened her computer to help her with the latest iTunes problem and see a huge blow up picture of my face. I was so lucky.
My “pretty” granny lived next door to me and always was just a doorway away. This legacy began when my daddy was a small boy. They also were raised in the same home as their Nanna, and that legacy continued with me and my brother.
Granny went into the hospital May 19th and we moved out of my childhood home on May 20th. She was excited about the new living space and the irony is that for years she insisted she was going to die in their home of 47 years…God has a great sense of humor.
As I booked my surprise trip and plane ticket 3 months prior to my flight on May 24th, little did I know God’s love and blessing was in those specific dates. I landed to 6 phone calls and a text from my daddy saying, “Come straight to the hospital, Granny isn’t doing well.” During these phone calls and text, my mom was rapidly trying to book me a flight home and my dad had to make her stop, which of course frustrated and confused her. My dad finally let the cat out of the bag and said, “Mindy she is in Chicago, probably already in a car on the way here.”
Entering into those hospital doors and running through those halls will always be a fuzzy memory. I just remember getting to her room and seeing it empty...As I ran back out of the room, I see my Granny being rolled down the hallway with my family torn with grief staring blankly at me.
As I looked at my daddy, who I had never seen cry, he just looked at me and said she had hours to days left. An hour earlier the family made the decision to take my Granny off of all life support. She was begging us to let her go. It was her time….
As I walked into the private hospital room with the doctors they said she may not become conscious again…all I could think of was I didn’t get to say goodbye. As I sat next to her bedside about 10 minutes later, her eyes opened. She smiled. And she said, “You’re here.” My Granny was waiting for me. She held on for me. God gave me this moment.
After this she went into a coma and as the strong woman she always has been, she held on for four more days with no food or water.
In these past weeks, God has been slowly teaching me what grief is. I still don’t think I completely know, but I do know what love is. God is love and Psalm 139 states, “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.” I find rest in knowing that in everything that has happened with my Granny, it will be ok because I have a God who loves me and knows the plans he has for me. And if he loves me, I know those plans are to prosper me and to not harm me.
You see love is within everything whether we believe it or not. Whether we choose to accept it or not. When we realize that God is love and love is a fabric of life and it is in everything, sometimes that is when we get our lives back. Therefore, when I look at love and look at death, nothing is dead if I look at it right.
I will always miss my Granny’s spunk, humor and love but I know there are plenty of family in heaven to welcome and celebrate with her. I bet she cracks a joke.