Steady Heart
I am writing to you from the air on my return flight home; and it is a new day and a new morning. As I wake up and listen and hear the whispers God has for me, I want to share some of those whispers with you now.
As of recent, I realized that I was serving myself and not letting God lead me, and as a result I end up hitting a dead end. As he brought me to the end of myself, I felt as if I was on a really long road. I found that I was trying to please others rather than pleasing God. Being the loving God that He is, He really helped me to let go, gave me a new song; one created for just me and Him.
Every night I’d go to bed asking myself, “Can I be a full time missionary?”; “Can I raise enough support?” There is this nagging feeling can a life as a missionary create stability and allow for me to build a future for myself? For those of you who have done mission work, you are probably shaking your head yes, but for me it is the next part of my journey.
In the process, He is constantly reminding me of things forgotten, and He unwinds me until I am totally undone. It does not feel good to be undone and feels as if all the control is lost….I have so many people in my life trying to give me insight and tell me what I should do and what is best. I have people who know me for my past and base their input for my future on that past. I then get to this place of feeling inadequate and as if there is no way that God chose me for this.
I often ask myself if I am strong enough, if I am wise enough, if I am good enough to do the Lord’s work at this capacity. I have come to this place of remembering those things forgotten…. I am His child. I am called to do His work and not my own. My goals and plans mean nothing if He is not a part of them.
When leaving South Africa back in April, I did not want to leave. I had built such a community and felt as if finally was doing the work that God had built me to do. Then I just had to say goodbye to it and try to deal with the grief of missing people and the environment and culture that meant so much to me? I had to ask myself if the emotional ups and downs of doing this was worth it. But as usual God was faithful and I heard these two songs:
I can feel the rising of the sun,
Mercy sings me the promise of your love,
And I am reminded if how far we’ve come
You’re the one my heart is beating for.
“Letting Go” by Steffany Gretzinger
The wind is wild
You will never leave me
Though the night is long
There is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on
“Steady Heart” – Steffany Gretzinger
These songs I have held so close to my heart because it talks about how the night turns to morning and the Lord wakes us up. It also speaks of the Lord’s character and his presence, which is everywhere. I so needed to be woken up and reminded of His character. I still do daily. I pray everyday that the Lord would make my life less about me and more about Him. I am not perfect, and many would say that I am not the person who is meant to do this work, but I am here to say that I am. The Lord has confirmed time and time again that this is my work. I do not fully understand why me, or why is has to be so difficult…However, I am learning that pleasing the Lord comes above pleasing others.
That being said here are some confirmations from the Lord that I must push into:
Roger Albers: Delta Pilot that has blessed me with affordable plane tickets to South Africa.
Air B&B: Joyanne and Stuart opening up their home and welcoming me for almost absolutely nothing. They live in a safe neighborhood that is within 15 min driving distance to my work.
Leandri: Most recently, I met someone I had desperately been praying for. Her name is Leandri, and she is not only my friend, but my sister. Her father just happens to own a used car company and will be speaking with me soon about the options for using a car. This is still something that needs prayer, so will you please join me in praying for this please?
Garage Sale: The average garage sale brings in around $800. After watching everyone just donate not only their stuff, but their time and resources I was able to bring in around $2,500. This could possibly allow me to purchase a car in January if need be.
Deb: This woman is my rock and my teacher. She is a force to be reckoned with and someone who has been such an amazing friend to me these past years. She knows me so well and doesn’t ever shy from giving me truth. I want everyone to be aware of this woman because she is someone to be aware of. She is such a perfect example of a God fearing and serving woman. She constantly encourages me and gives me wisdom in this journey.
Supporters: The overwhelming amount of support financially, prayerfully and relationally has been incredible. I have never been so loved and surrounded in my life. Yes there are times of loneliness, but that is usually when God sees me relying on others more than Him.
My parents: I would be remiss if I did not thank my biggest rock and supporters of all...My mother and father have not only been amazing encouragers financially and emotionally, but they have always stood by my side in all the decisions that I have made. Many of you guys know my parents and the relationship I have with them. My father is easily my best friend, and my mother is easily my main supporter. Starting with my dad...He is one of a kind and always knows how to tell me the things I don't necessarily want to hear, but need to hear. He has been a rock for my family, and always has provided for us. My mother is a wise woman. She has so much care and love for others, and is always there to give me sound advice and comfort me in my times of need. I love them both so much and would not and could not be on this journey without all their love and support. Love you guys more than you could imagine.
All that said, there has just been a lot on my mind that I haven’t really taken the time or wanted to necessarily put down on paper. I come to everyone humbled and in a place of surrender. I am done fighting and just ready to let God do.
As I ready myself to be in South Africa for a year, God has been good to me. I look back to where we started and where we are now, and God has been so good. From a funding perspective I am about 80% of the way there, and I am confident that God will bring it home.
LOVE,
Beth Ann Bielik
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